DR VEENA ADIGE
Orphaned parents is a term coined by an active social worker, Shishir Joshi, during the Covid-19 lockdown period when he came across so many elderly people living alone, desperately wanting their flesh and blood with them. Shishir Joshi of Project Mumbai helped hundreds of elderly people in Mumbai during the lockdown. Orphaned meaning parents whose children have settled away from their parents, whether in our country or far far away. He recalls parents who tell him, ‘We do not need groceries; we need cooked food and someone to take care of us and be with us.’ It is not only during the lockdown that these were noticed; they have always been there. Many Old Age homes have seniors staying there indefinitely because their educated rich children do not want them.
Children send money; arrange for helpers, and hospitalization when necessary; but it is not just enough. These orphaned parents need emotional support, someone of their own to talk to and sympathise. They have given their whole lives and their earnings to educate and support their children but when they are in most need, the children are not there.
This is the case of millions of parents. All have tried to find solutions. Some have formed their own organisations like NRIPA (Non-Resident Indians Parents Association) and support each other. Some families have their own senior members forming groups and living near to each other.
The elderly parents come together and stay nearby so that in times of need they can help each other. And since they are related, they understand each other and their common needs and problems. The children are at peace that the elderly have company; and the parents are also happy. This perhaps is a method wherein orphaned parents can be happy and comfortable. In the times of joint families, if the younger members went away, there were in-laws, nieces, nephews and other relatives to give emotional support and also physical one.
In Vashi where I live and in Nagpur where I have lived, I came across whole families living in their own building complexes. The parents live on the ground floor and each subsequent floor having their sons and daughters with their families. The kitchens are separate and their flats are separate, but when necessary they can always be together. The Patels of Navi Mumbai and also the Shahs have reserved the ground floor for their parents while they live on the first and second floors. This way even if one of the children goes away, the children of the others are there with them. So they have independence and emotional support.
It is not always that the youngsters settled abroad do not want their parents there. The main problem of seniors going to stay with their children abroad is the loss of independence and the societal rules. The seniors cannot drive on their own; they cannot go anywhere alone except for walks and have to depend on the children for everything. The children are busy during the week and have only weekends to look into their parents’ needs or even talk to them.
I recall an old man who had gone to live for a short while with his son, being taken to court. He had raised his hand to discipline his ten-year-old grandson who had promptly dialed police helpline! He went into a trauma and did not know what crime he had committed in disciplining the youngster. Then there was case of an Indian parent who was hauled by the society in a foreign land for force-feeding his child, a common practice in India. We feel that children should eat properly and the amount has to be regulated by us and if they do not eat, they will not grow properly.
Though the earth has shrunk, and it is possible for anyone in the world to reach their parents within twenty-four hours, there are times when the orphaned parents feel the need to have someone when they want. Just for comfort. ∎
Dr Veena Adige is a researcher and an author; lives in Navi Mumbai.
