Toxic positivity forces us to create a false perception of the event and deny the harsh emotions one feels; it is often a falsely created façade.
AKEELA P
In a workshop on positive mindset, Participants were instructed to think only positively and see how it will change their destiny, a gentleman attending the workshop rose from his seat and questioned the facilitator if its the ultimate truth. What if someone jump down from the roof and because being positive assure nothing would happen? The facilitator was so dumbstruck and left with no positive words to reply.
Social media and that relative uncle who sends every morning whatsapp messages of good morning to feel positive, made us feel no lesser melancholic prior to reading the message. The ability to express and to reach out to large number of people people have given people the power to preach, give advises on life and opine about how to increase positive vibes disregarding one’s emotions, and gaslight the other if one does not feel the same vibes.
Whitney Goodman, in her book on toxic positivity, Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy defines toxic positivity as, “Toxic positivity denies an emotion and forces us to suppress it. When we use toxic positivity, we are telling ourselves and others that this emotion shouldn’t exist, it’s wrong, and if we try just a little bit harder, we can eliminate it entirely.”
The above definition highlights the aspect of however ominous the situation is, people should maintain a positive outlook. Being optimistic or hopeful is good but undermines the human natural reaction when circumstance are going wrong in their favour. Toxic positivity forces us to create a false perception of the event and deny the harsh emotions one feels, it is often a falsely created façade.
Toxic positivity is habitually advised to people during the phases of lose of someone dear, loss of a job, trying to diffuse when they are deliberately provoked, in the workplace when targets aren't met or when they don’t get a raise in their salary, when their child is going through difficult times, post-relationship break-up, or during missed opportunities.
Human life experiences are dynamic and complex we all have painful emotions associated with negative events, however pushing under the carpet and having an extremely overgeneralized assumption that “it was for better” or “life will go on” will not help especially for those who are going through a tough time. As a third person it is easy to make these statements, however for the one who is experiencing it would feel that something is wrong with them as they are not feeling any positive but are feeling guilty and frustrated.
Toxic positivity is a defense mechanism
It's used by people as a shield because they feel uneasy with grim emotions and they're dodging them at all costs. Toxic positivity doesn't feel correct because it's not coming from a place of acceptance and care: it's coming from a place of avoidance, anxiety, and fear.
Some examples of toxic positivity statements are “All is well”, “Think positive”, “It is all in your head”, “Happiness is a choice”, “Look at the bright side”, “It could be worse”.
Effects of toxic positivity
In a particular scene in the Japanese series -Fishbowl Wives, an astrologer says to the main character “ your body knows, it doesn’t lie”. This scene might be understood as when we feel an emotion our body experiences it in various body parts, we feel guilty, angry, we blush and feel let down; our stomach feels the uneasiness, there is an alteration in one’s heart rate and breathing.
In emotional suppression, especially of those meta emotions, you feel two emotions at the same time, you feel bad for being bad, and you feel guilty for saying no. Emotional suppression can be linked to various problems with psycho-somatic symptoms; physiological problems occur due to an underlying psychological issue.
Feeling of humiliation tells people that the negative feelings are unacceptable and it is easy to shift to being positive and if they are not able to do so there is something wrong with them. When someone is grieving they need to process the loss and it's valid. Trying to contradict and think that they can be happy and about among family and friends may be problematic.
It affects relationships. With toxic positivity, we want to make someone feel better, but it doesn’t typically have the desired effect; it shuts the other person up, says Kirkland. Using this as a defense mechanism to reverse the feeling that another human is feeling and confided in you makes them invalidated and brings in a sense of low self-esteem.
It can impact poor parenting styles. For instance as a parent it is our habit to tell them that everything is fine, they need to control their emotions, they are okay, and stop crying, this wrongly conditions them that their negative feelings aren’t OK and can be hindering their ability to process, express and manage emotions andleads to poor development of emotional intelligence and emotional maturity.
Emotions can bring in gender stereotypes too. Saying things like, boys don’t cry, and girls can't control emotions, men and women are different, and less is good. These erroneous socialization constructs is linked to being gender stereotyped.
Relationships are tough, even between two people, conflict is natural. Over-emphasizing that relationships should be happy with no fights, one must stay with the partner though they mistreat them, share and feel only the best things, and avoiding the bad talk by wearing a mask can lead to façade and pretentious relationships.
Better coping mechanisms with toxic positivity
Authentic contentment doesn’t come from suppressing negative emotions and proclaiming feel-good statements, but rather accepting what we are feeling in its truest sense and not lying to ourselves, accept all emotions whether it is positive or negative. Be aware of what we are feeling in the present movement, observe changes in the body, and ask ourselves what triggered us, and are we reacting or responding to the situation.
Be emotionally intelligent is the key. Emotional intelligence has four main components intra-personal awareness, intra-personal management,inter-personal awareness, and inter-personal management. By developing intra-personal awareness we can also be in tune and become aware of other people's emotions, which makes meaningful and supportive relationships.
Express oneself by admitting what one really goes through, like, I cannot think right now of feeling positive and tell others that all they have to do is to listen and not comment, acknowledge rather than making judgement on their emotions, could indeed make them feel better.
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