We are, after all, social animals. Compliments, small gifts, humour, treating your partner as if he or she was your best friend and love are ingredients for a continuously evolving relationship.
Monica Fernandes
Drs. John and Julie Gottman are founders of the Gottman Institute, a research based institute and are experts on relationships. They have studied over 3000 couples for several years to analyse which marriages succeed and which will end in divorce within six and eight years with 90% accuracy. What are the ingredients of a successful marriage?
Those with successful, intimate, flourishing and positive relationships are called Masters while those in relationships that are negative with the partners hurting each other’s feelings are doomed for divorce and are termed Disasters by the Gottmans. Somewhere in the middle of the scale are those trapped in loveless marriages who stay married either to avoid criticism or for economic reasons.
A Master is kind, compliments his/her partner and is willing to make the relationship work. If perchance he has made a hurtful comment, he should make up with five times more positive outputs (a ratio of 5:1). After making up, the couple are drawn closer. It’s a courtship that ends only with death. A Disaster in contrast expresses anger and hostility. With Dr. John Gottman’s ‘Four Hosemen of the Apocalypse’, he is able to predict breakdown of relationships. Incidentally the apocalypse in this case is the destruction of marriage. What are these four horsemen?
Criticism: This suggests that your partner is defective. Let’s suppose that the husband comes home tired and keeps on talking about his tough day without asking his wife how her day went. Disaster (the wife) will respond, ‘So only you had a tough day? What about my day? You are a self centered idiot.’ Not exactly words that are likely to foster a relationship. Master may say, ‘I do realize that your day was tough but so was mine with the kids creating a racket and damaging my ear drums. I feel hurt that you didn’t ask about my day.’ Disaster focuses on attack while Master expresses herself in a matter of fact manner.
Defensiveness: When Disaster is tactfully criticized, he tries to ward off what he perceives is an attack either by expressing righteous indignation or acting like the innocent victim and whining. Master in contrast responds, ‘Yes you made a good point. The song really didn’t suit my voice. The next time I sing at a party I’ll try to avoid same mistake. Thanks for your constructive criticism’. He accepts criticism gracefully.
Disrespect and Contempt: Disaster feels superior to her partner. Her response to his talking at length about his tough day could be, ‘What a jerk you are. The way you talk one would imagine the Company would collapse without you. You just keep talking about yourself all the time.’
Master creates a culture of appreciation by action or words. ‘You poor dear’, while gently tousling her partner’s hair, ‘You really had a tough day. Let me make you a cooling drink.’
Stonewalling and emotional withdrawal from the conversation: Disaster ignores her partner as though he does not exist. This attitude is very hurtful and the husband comes out with all guns blazing to make an impact on his stone cold partner. He shouts and shakes her but she couldn’t care less. This attitude of course is not great for his ego.
What are the alternatives for a successful relationship as suggested by the Gottmans?
Enhance your ‘Love Maps’: Love maps are a person’s inner psychological self, his or her internal world consisting of fears and aspirations. What are his or her stressors, hobbies, dreams. The partner asks open ended questions and thus enhances his or her love maps. ‘What is bothering you about your work today? Do share with me.’ ‘What was life like when your father was posted in a small town?’
Inculcate fondness and admiration: Convey your appreciation in small ways. ‘Thank you for doing the dishes today.’ ‘You sang so well at the function today. I am proud of you.’ You are thereby increasing your emotional bank balance and that of your partner as well.
Make bids for emotional connect: Imagine you are looking out from your balcony and you see a fancy red car parked on the road. You say, ‘Jasmine, come and see this car.’ But Jasmine continues her work and doesn’t bother to share your enthusiasm. In contrast you are watching football on TV. Jasmine is not interested in sports. But she comes and sits by your side, trying to understand the match and share your enthusiasm. She has made a bid for emotional connect. This is a ‘positive sentiment over ride’ in contrast to the ‘negative sentiment over ride’ of Disaster who is over enthusiastic about putting down her partner.
Masters bring repair to a relationship when the going is not good. They don’t get defensive when attacked. Instead they step back, allow things to cool down and contritely say, ‘I am sorry for what I said. Can we talk about it?’ The approach is rational.
We are, after all, social animals. Compliments, small gifts, humour, treating your partner as if he or she was your best friend and love – all these are ingredients for a continuously evolving relationship. This type of relationship sustains, energises and motivates both partners. It is the basis of a happy family.
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